Ethel The Dean (she is analagous to Robert The Bruce in that she will free Canada from England’s imperialism and be crowned on the Stone of Scone in Edinbugh…I think) of the wonderful blog Rant and Roll, has very kindly and likely with no small amount of pity, nominated me for a Kreative Blogger Award. In acceptance; I must give seven secret truths about myself and nominate seven blogs that make me smile (this is tough to do).
7. I always drink exactly the right amount. No more; no less. If you see me sleepy after a beer or two, swinging my pet swords around with red wine staining my entire face or passed out face down in a sink; I have drank exactly the right amount. It is a skill, nay a superpower, that I have developed over the years. I am two sheets (drinking Flying Fish and a 16 oz. sidecar of Canadian Club and Ginger Ale and soon to be three, don’t worry) to the wind right now and I have work at 9 am EST. This is totally acceptable, because as I’ve mentioned, I always drink the right amount.
6. I’m a little bit over half white (mostly Scottish), nearly half black (brought here to harvest tobacco and other delightful crops), and a smidge of Cherokee (followed the mammoth herds) thrown in for good measure (it shows though, I can’t grow leg or arm hair for shit, so its embarrassing to wear shorts in the summertime). But despite this hodgepodge of ethnicities, there are few things I love more than a good racist joke. Don’t misunderstand me; racism sucks and I know it first hand. But a good racist joke, there are few things better.
5. As Bob Lutz, former GM CEO, said about “the Europeans” on The Colbert Report; I have an “enhanced sense of [my] own infallibility”. As I’ve written elsewhere, the only thing close to being actually right is convincing someone who is right that you’re right instead. For better or worse (usually worse) I always think I am right and usually am (seriously I think I am smarter than other people and I get most of my news from The Daily Show and then have that news disputed by The Colbert Report. I decide which news is true by which was funnier).
4. My wife is super jealous of my cat Loki. While we have three cats and one dog, Loki and I have been together since before the wife and I got married and have a certain bond and rapport. The secret is, Loki isn’t just a cat; he is also my son. He was crawled fully formed out of my mouth one morning after I had a dream about a cat. His whiskers tickled my nose as he was climbing out and as I sneezed I bit down on his back legs; crippling him for life. I feel pretty guilty about that; but he gets around nonetheless.
3. My hair is longer than yours. This is probably a true statement; in the last decade or so I’ve only gotten my hair cut about 5 times (always for the ladies, only to be laughed at in derision and disgust once my lady saw it. Several of these times it was my wife and she still occasionally asks me to cut my flowing mane). Seriously my hair when untangled and combed is about two feet long. Straightened (being half black it is naturally pretty curly) out it reaches down near my waist. My hair is pretty fucking long.
2. I’ve broken all of the fingers on both hands. Except for my thumbs, each of my fingers is a misshapen scarred mess (my thumbs kinda are too, just less crooked). I had suspected I had broken my index and middle fingers but several years ago, the last time I was at the doctor’s office, my doctor stopped me as I was filling out some forms. She had been looking at my hands and asked me to hold them outstretched. Then looked in my folder. Then asked me how I broke all my fingers. I didn’t have an answer for her as I didn’t know they were broken. It seems that from all the fights I used to get into as a troubled youth I had either fractured or broken eight fingers and there was deformed remodeling when they healed. Proof that I’m either pretty badass or a terrible fighter who isn’t smart enough to know when his fingers hurt.
1. I am dying to sell out. This nomination is just the first step in my two step plan to sell out and get rich. Step two is sell out and get rich. If you have some sweet connections that can help me with step two; that’d be pretty sweet.
In addition to spilling all of these secrets; I must also nominate about a billion other blogs for this award. I am happy to do so, here they are:
Ethel the Dean is a super badass kung fu master from the Shaolin temples of China. Occasionally she goes to Vancouver and just karate chops people in half.
Haley Welsh is a nereid who travels around the world using her sea nymph powers. One time she high fived a mermaid but it was underwater so no one heard it.
Stories by Williams are stories by Matt Williams. Mr. Williams is actually a time traveler who knows a lot more about time travel than I do. He once traveled back in time to publish a book under his pseudonym H. G. Wells. It was called The Time Machine.
Rae from Peas and Cougars is basically my blog hero. She makes me want to draw again but I’ll stick to my words for now. I oftentimes gush effusively about her blog and if you click the link you’ll know why.
Mike is not only one of my best friends but also a kickass photographer and bear wrestler. One time he broke my neck which was pretty funny. If you click his link you may even see pictures of The Wife and I.
The Team at Unnecessary Words are my comrades in arms. Obviously this is something of a shameless plug; but seriously, the three people who aren’t me are pretty great. Brian, Liz and Ken are cats I’ve known for a long time and there is no one I’d rather work with.
Jenny from Caffeinated and Random drinks so much coffee that her blood is probably foamy. She makes me pretty jealous because I want to drink coffee every day but am way too lazy to make my own.
versipellusfenris 
THIS is why I nominated you! Because you are blinkin hilarious and a fab writer! You can me laughing like a laughing thing.
I too am half-scottish, but the other half is a mishmash of eastern europe (russian/polish/ukranian). I tell ya, being the only highland dancer with a polish last name is dang hard. Seriously, I cannot even tell you how much I love that you know about Robert the Bruce. And I will free Canada from the shackles of the monarchy! (through my karate skills no less.)
Aside from a splash of freckles and a couple reddish hairs in my beard; I look more Middle Eastern or Samoan than anything else. I’ve had a few people ask if I was adopted even after meeting my parents (I look a lot like my mom, just more cafe con leche than dark chocolate, and taller, and with longer hair and a beard) and once I was asked rather genially if I’d been arrested for terrorism the day before (the guy worked at a newstand and held up the local paper with a picture of a man at least thirty years older than I was at the time with a giant bushy salt and pepper beard and short hair. I had to explain that I was younger and fatter and had an extra foot of hair and just stubble on my chin before he believed my story). So having a Scottish last name has always been strange for people upon meeting me. And it wasn’t until visiting the UK that I met someone and didn’t have to correct their pronounciation (its Mack, not Mick; what’s so hard about that?).
* urgh. can = had.
So… where do we post? Those of us who’ve been nominated, of course 🙂
As far as I understand it; you just post it to your site and list seven things about yourself and seven blogs you like. I tried to find some sort of centralized database of nominations but was unsuccessful. You could ask Ms. The Dean (above) if she knows more than me; she likely does.